Thursday, May 31, 2007

Great Moments in Doctor Appointments History: Part One. The X-ray Machine.

Pretty hot (moderately attractive but intelligent and in-charge therefore sexy) doctor, as he slips you into an x-ray protective "gown": Are you pregnant?
Me: No.
Hot Doc: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Hot Doc: 100% sure?
Me: Yes.
*pause*
Me: I wish I wasn't so sure.
*pause*
Me: I mean, I'd like to have to think about it for one second.
*pause*
Me: You know...
*pause*
Me: But no. I'm not pregnant.
*pause*
*tries not to think about hot x-ray room sex. wonders if x-ray machines read minds. blushes. feels like a moron.*

Sunday, May 27, 2007

ENFG = omg! wtf!

"As an ENFJ, you're primary mode of living is focused externally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system. Your secondary mode is internal, where you take things in primarily via your intuition.

ENFJs are people-focused individuals. They live in the world of people possibilities. More so than any other type, they have excellent people skills. They understand and care about people, and have a special talent for bringing out the best in others. ENFJ's main interest in life is giving love, support, and a good time to other people. They are focused on understanding, supporting, and encouraging others. They make things happen for people, and get their best personal satisfaction from this.

Because ENFJ's people skills are so extraordinary, they have the ability to make people do exactly what they want them to do. They get under people's skins and get the reactions that they are seeking. ENFJ's motives are usually unselfish, but ENFJs who have developed less than ideally have been known to use their power over people to manipulate them.

ENFJ's are so externally focused that it's especially important for them to spend time alone. This can be difficult for some ENFJs, because they have the tendency to be hard on themselves and turn to dark thoughts when alone. Consequently, ENFJs might avoid being alone, and fill their lives with activities involving other people. ENFJs tend to define their life's direction and priorities according to other people's needs, and may not be aware of their own needs. It's natural to their personality type that they will tend to place other people's needs above their own, but they need to stay aware of their own needs so that they don't sacrifice themselves in their drive to help others.

ENFJ's tend to be more reserved about exposing themselves than other extraverted types. Although they may have strongly-felt beliefs, they're likely to refrain from expressing them if doing so would interfere with bringing out the best in others. Because their strongest interest lies in being a catalyst of change in other people, they're likely to interact with others on their own level, in a chameleon-like manner, rather than as individuals.

Which is not to say that the ENFJ does not have opinions. ENFJs have definite values and opinions which they're able to express clearly and succinctly. These beliefs will be expressed as long as they're not too personal. ENFJ is in many ways expressive and open, but is more focused on being responsive and supportive of others. When faced with a conflict between a strongly-held value and serving another person's need, they are highly likely to value the other person's needs.

The ENFJ may feel quite lonely even when surrounded by people. This feeling of aloneness may be exacerbated by the tendency to not reveal their true selves.

People love ENFJs. They are fun to be with, and truly understand and love people. They are typically very straight-forward and honest. Usually ENFJs exude a lot of self-confidence, and have a great amount of ability to do many different things. They are generally bright, full of potential, energetic and fast-paced. They are usually good at anything which captures their interest.

ENFJs like for things to be well-organized, and will work hard at maintaining structure and resolving ambiguity. They have a tendency to be fussy, especially with their home environments.

In the work place, ENFJs do well in positions where they deal with people. They are naturals for the social committee. Their uncanny ability to understand people and say just what needs to be said to make them happy makes them naturals for counseling. They enjoy being the center of attention, and do very well in situations where they can inspire and lead others, such as teaching.

ENFJs do not like dealing with impersonal reasoning. They don't understand or appreciate its merit, and will be unhappy in situations where they're forced to deal with logic and facts without any connection to a human element. Living in the world of people possibilities, they enjoy their plans more than their achievements. They get excited about possibilities for the future, but may become easily bored and restless with the present.

ENFJs have a special gift with people, and are basically happy people when they can use that gift to help others. They get their best satisfaction from serving others. Their genuine interest in Humankind and their exceptional intuitive awareness of people makes them able to draw out even the most reserved individuals.

ENFJs have a strong need for close, intimate relationships, and will put forth a lot of effort in creating and maintaining these relationships. They're very loyal and trustworthy once involved in a relationship.

An ENFJ who has not developed their Feeling side may have difficulty making good decisions, and may rely heavily on other people in decision-making processes. If they have not developed their Intuition, they may not be able to see possibilities, and will judge things too quickly based on established value systems or social rules, without really understanding the current situation. An ENFJ who has not found their place in the world is likely to be extremely sensitive to criticism, and to have the tendency to worry excessively and feel guilty. They are also likely to be very manipulative and controling with others.

In general, ENFJs are charming, warm, gracious, creative and diverse individuals with richly developed insights into what makes other people tick. This special ability to see growth potential in others combined with a genuine drive to help people makes the ENFJ a truly valued individual. As giving and caring as the ENFJ is, they need to remember to value their own needs as well as the needs of others."

Home is Good.

Home totally rocks for a few reasons:
1. watching the Orioles win while sitting in the sun
2. the smell of trees and rain
3. seeing the sky
4. meeting up with old friends and talking like no time has passed
5. taking Myers-Briggs tests while drunk with aforementioned friends (and realizing that they all knew you 14 years ago... when you were still an enfj)
6. dogs
7. feeling like a grown-up
8. realizing you don't miss traffic/bad drivers/parallel parking at all
9. wine on the porch at night with mom
10. lunch/consignment shop/music store/book store traditions that stand strong 8 years and 3,000 miles later
11. people actually wear Redskins jerseys

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Great moments in gchat history:

me: i am going to die i am going to die
Andrea: no no no
me: omg i can't breathe
Andrea: b/c you haven't been to the baseball hall of fame yet
me: oh, true. i will breathe.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Idealism. Too much to ask?

This morning, when I would rather be near death than taking the subway to work, I thought about my ideal day.

1. Wake up around 9
2. Make coffee. Drink coffee.
3. Go to gym
4. Come home, shower, make breakfast (eggs, fruit, more coffee)
5. light yummy smelly candle, eat breakfast, read the Times
6. write something witty
7. attend business lunch at a cafe where I'd sit outside and we'd eat a delicious salad and drink wine and solve the artistic woes of the world
8. various other creative work stuff
9. late, delicious dinner (show? movie? baseball game?)
10. drinks
11. sex

It is my ultimate goal in life to make this life come true. Certain ammendments can be made. For example: on Sundays perhaps we sub out the gym and replace it with brunch with friends, mimosas and the SUNDAY times. Perhaps rather than eggs I have granola for breakfast. Maybe not all lunches are business lunches. I don't think I ask for too much.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Thursday, May 17, 2007

And on the 7th Cup of Caffeine, the Migraine Subsided

I got a migraine right when I found out it is now supposed to rain all weekend and my much anticipated first Subway Series game of the year (to which I purchased tickets months ago) might get cancelled.

OK, maybe a few other factors were involved like
a. work
b. general brain malfunction

This is just a good example as to why hope and optimism are overrated. I bought these tickets ages ago! I took off work so I wouldn't be late to the game! I made sure my Mets sweatshirt was all clean and ready for bloodshed! I told my mother to not come into town for a visit until Saturday morning! I told her when she arrives I might be dead, but "don't worry, Mom, I died happy, and talking shit about the Yankees!"

God. Dammit. What a let-down.

Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe I'm having a cerebral melt-down for other reasons. There's just a lot at stake here, you know? Someone, please... hold me....

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Painful name-drop

I try to avoid name dropping in this as much as possible, which is usually why I don't write EVER (and when I do it's boring and LAME) because most of my good stories involve famous-ish people saying or doing funny things and I don't get paid enough to publish them.

Also: professionalism
Also: confidentiality agreements

But today Frank Langella kissed me on both cheeks. That was kinda cool.
"Frank? I'm Alli" I said.
"Alli?... ALLI!!!!!" embrace, kiss kiss.

Sometimes I really wish I had a book deal. Can't I get paid a gazillion dollars for these stories? Wouldn't it put me through grad school? Oh, wait, didn't Meghan Daum write that book already?

Crush Me Baby, One More Time

"That's the thing about crushes," my friend Laura said, "that's what they do: they crush your dreams."

Given that advice you'd think I'd stop crushing on my crush instead of thinking about him more this week than I ever have before. I'm not really in the mood to have my dreams crushed, but I am in the mood to have my heart leap a little bit.

It's been years since I've felt like such an idiot about someone. My friends and co-workers have started making fun of me. They'll send me e-mails:
He wants to sleep with you.
He's sooooo in love with you.
He totally wants you.

These things are not good for my imagination, which runs wild on it's own. I dont need this extra stimulus.

It's a dangerous thing when a friendly, simple, time-wasting crush starts to creep into your real life.

"So he has a girlfriend," my mother says, "A girlfriend is not a fiancee." MY MOTHER says this to me.

Our receptionist: "Have you ever been left for someone else?"
"Almost always," I say, "Every time someone has broken up with me it's been for someone else."
"Well then maybe this is karma," he says, "maybe it's your turn to get the guy you deserve."

Or maybe I'm fucking ridiculous.

Or maybe the fantasy of finding someone impossibly smart who doesn't work in your field but is interested in your field and likes to drink and has coffee every morning and reads the paper and is loyal to his hometown baseball team should remain just a fantasy. The eyes, a fantasy. The inescapable connection, a fantasy.

Or maybe not. Maybe up until now crushes crush your dreams. Maybe when you turn 25 things start to turn out the way you wanted them to. Like in elementary school. Maybe he'll ask me to walk home with him, or talk about the big scary teacher. I guess you never grow out of being a stupid girl no matter how much you try. After all, jewelry, high heels and aloofness were invented for a reason: to lure crushes into reality.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Last time, it was the First

Tomorrow morning marks the last step on the long, stressful path to the pinnacle of the Broadway season. If I had been able to wrap my head around what exactly has been going on in my life the last year and a half, this post would be a lot more articulate. I'm not exactly sure what has gotten me here exactly, so quickly. But what I do know is that this has been a year of big career firsts for me.

So I sit in my chair at work and read everything in the NY Times theatre section, and broadway.com, and broadwayworld.com, and Playbill and the NY Post and and and, and all of a sudden - unlike it has been all through my life up until now - I am not reading about strangers and places and people and things that don't seem to exist because they are so far off, but I am reading about my peers.

This year, my peers have been nominated for Lortel Awards, Drama League Awards, OCC Awards, Drama Desk awards. They have won. Best musical. Outstanding performance. And this year, a peer might be nominated for a Tony Award.

Something is churning within me, some sort of pride and excitement and joy that I have never felt before. My friends are with me, almost more excited than me.
"How many times are you going to go to the Tonys?!" they asked when I was out dress shopping every free moment a week ago.
"Well, many," I replied, "That's the plan!"
"But nothing compares to the first time!" they say, and all my co-workers say the same.

The first time. Everyone remembers it. The first time someone you know wins Best Musical. The first time someone you know brings the house down. The first time someone you know, someone your age, someone you've seen trot along this crazy path called Showbusiness get nominated for the biggest award there is.

Not to jinx it. It's just the first time. It won't be the last.

So I try to keep my mouth shut about it, because tomorrow morning, if they open their mouths and say her name then it's real. It's real and I will cry. And I will cry because it's the beginning. These dreams are coming true.

The first time, and I know it wont be the last.

Today I placed my hand on the shoulder of a man who I respect and adore deeper than most people in this business. He turned, looked at me and wrapped his arms around me in a big bear hug. Tony award winner. "Fingers crossed" he said to me today, "that in two years I'll be back again." Growing up I ate brownies around a table in a house - a house like my second home - across from a man who read the New York Times and talked boldly about the arts and politics. Tony Award winner.

And then you grow up, step away from the brownies, pull away from the hugs, and find that you're next. This is Your time. It's starting to happen. And it's only just the first time.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

I'll tell ya what: without google I'd be a fucking idiot.
Thanks to this trendy web-search tool I'm a god damn genius.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

In Other News...

I have a letter next to me on fancy lettehead from a fancy university that says I got this very fancy sounding thing: a Shubert Presidential Theatre Fellowship.

Well tra la la.

Toss that in with the recent Broadway opening, the purchase of a Tony Dress and the recent conversations with possible 2007 Tony nominees and producing offers and, oh, wait, my mind is still fucking blown and I have no idea how I got here or what is going on. WHAT IS GOING ON!?

That being said, who wants to go for a pitcher at a dive bar and do some anti-reflecting?

Balance, people, life in balance.

All Star

I am running out of time for bad theatre. I have seen more Broadway in the last year than I have in my entire life combined and I'm just about at my wits end. Twice in the last week I have seen very bad shows and it's starting to worry me. Maybe I'm uber-picky, maybe my taste is just getting fine-tuned, but man oh man... what I just don't understand is why do bad shows come from virtual Dream Teams of theatre big wigs? (and this isn't a smack against the Broadway! I like Broadway...when it is just that...)

I just don't get it! You think you have all the pieces there and the product is mediocre.

One of my biggest pet peeves is not going for It 110%. There is no excuse. If you're going to write an existential play, or a metaphorical play WRITE IT. Write it all. out. If you go balls to the wall no one can fault you for trying. Shameful some of the recent stuff.

I just don't understand why people don't fully embrace the shows they produce, or fully embrace anything for that matter. Own it! Love it! Live it!

Without that there will be no future of theatre (and thus no future), and I will be sad because I will have no job because I cannot do anything else and I will starve and die an early death.

So please, let's start getting some shit right.

Friday, May 04, 2007

The Commuter Connection

It amazes me how, in a city so big, you can still see the same people every day... and you don't even know them. For a while it was the Scientologist guy who hands flyers out outside my building, or the one-legged man that sleept outside the New York Times building for a while. Months ago someone asked me if I saw the same people on my commute everyday. 9:10am on a crowded A train? No way. Well, until recently.

I know I'm on time when I see that really pretty girl who stands on the platform by me. She's always dressed well, looks centered, listens to her iPod. I kind of want to be her. And when I see her I know I will be on time to work. She makes me feel good about myself. I want to be friends.

About every other day for the last couple weeks there has been the guy on the corner of 42nd and Broadway who I see when I leave work and head to the gym, and every time I see him he asks me if i like friendly black guys, and if I want to go home with him.

Curious, this city is. I have always wondered how many photos have me in the background, and lately I wonder how many strangers I see on a daily basis time and time again, but never notice.

The take-out woman knows my name. I say, "Suite 1314 and she says, hi Alli." My neighborhood laundromat knows me because they almost lost my laundry over Thanksgiving. For some reason this is still new news.

So many people, so little connection.... most of the time. I commute into the most insane part of the city every day. I have taught myself to notice no one, so when I do I wonder... "are we supposed to meet? Why are we looking at each other.. why now, why you, why is this..." in split second, and it's gone. And so are they.

The other morning I saw a boy on my train on the way to work. I remember he wore and hoodie and read a book and for some reason I couldn't stop starting at him. He glanced up a few times and I shyly looked away. (I'm SHY ok, I am! I know you don't believe me but I'm not one to smile or make contact with strangers that could lead to possible dates) He made me nervous, this boy, nervous pre-coffee. He got off at my stop and disappeared.

This past Wednesday, on my subway car, by the right door entrance - perfect car placement in order to ensure faster commute to work, most efficient - I struggled to keep my eyes open, and skipped from song to song on my ipod. The doors opened, I walked out, looking at the floor, and then up and straight into the eyes of the boy who - weeeks before - had been reading on my subway car and sneaking glances at me. Our eyes met, and that was that.

I have great faith in the world, great hope that moments like these, that connections like these, or deeper, stronger connections with other humans are made for certain reasons, and you are to act on them because sometimes things are just too random and too intense to ignore. They are there for a reason.

But in a city so big, so fast, so full, so overwhelming, it's so hard to not want to stop for a minute and backtrack and find that one person you felt something with and ask, who ARE you? I think this often, as I stand by the yellow phone at the 42nd street stop, on the platform waiting for the uptown A train. I spend so much time there, right in that spot, ready for the right door that will drop me off right in front of the stairway that will take my right to my apartment. Will I see someone there time and time again, or are they waiting just two cars down?

Thursday, May 03, 2007

EDIT

After I wrote that last post I realized that I should have made the last line "anorexic celibate mime," but, alas, I got busy at work.... you know, babies were dying and such.

Thanks Adam, for pointing that one out.

And yes, eating was a problem. It took ages!

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Bruised and Battered

I feel like someone punched me in the face. Hard. In fact, I haven't looked in the mirror all day in fear of seeing a huge bruise aross my face. I went to the dentist this morning which was an awful experience (not necessarily because it involves the dentist), but more so because it involved waking up an hour earlier than usual, drinking less coffee than usual in my first 2 hours of conciousness, and, ok, having a strong man dig around inside your mouth with pointy metal objects for an hour is not a pleasant experience.

Unless you're into that kinda thing.

Going to the dentist is just one of those things you have to do when you're insured, you know? And because I can't do anything for longer than 6 months at a time it's hard for me to keep health insurance. So at least, here, at 3pm, I feel accomplished. I went to the dentist. And I feel like I'd rather die.

Do you know how many things you do with your mouth?! It's ridiculous. I can hardly eat, speak, breathe without throbbing pain. Unless you're a celibate mime you just can't deal with this sorta thing.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007